Don’t get me wrong: I like it hot. But it’s too hot, isn’t it?

I wandered my flat at 2am the other night looking for a cool square of laminate to lie on, like a panting pet Labrador.

And so to a raft of new problems for this inept allotmenteer. Right now, keeping plants alive is a thankless task.

You need the irrigation skills of a particularly crafty paddyfield farmer who runs a successful raindance business.

I haul my sorry behind out of bed at a time most breakfast show DJs think of as obscene before the blazing sun gets up.

Carefully, I dribble water around the roots, so the leaves don’t get scorched. Repeat at around 9pm in the evening, which ruins any hope of catching the Apprentice final. Shucks.

I now realise this may not be a bright thing to do. Apparently, in near-drought conditions, roots of plants head to the surface looking for the regular water dribbles. A few giant drenchings each week mean the roots forge deeper into the earth looking for water, making the plants stronger. It’s another case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Who would have thought regular watering in the South East dustbowl was a bad thing?

Last year’s torrents meant a sludgy mess with slugs feasting on decaying crops and floppy leaves. So, this year, I won’t complain. But I have also been picked up by colleagues for the amount of water I use. “Is that friendly to the planet?” they bleat.

Maybe not at around 80-plus litres a day, but surely it’s better than buying supermarket fruit and veg? Shop-bought stuff which has been grown under intensive conditions, thoroughly washed and kept cool in mammoth energy-sapping refrigerators. I’ll wager my methods are greener. But it has made me ponder installing a water butt. I may even consider some Koi Carp to keep it nicely circulated.

I am trying to help by keeping on top of the weeds, which may sap some of the water away from the plants.

Hoeing also seems to help keep the weeds at bay and means water can get into the soil and not roll off the hardened surface.

All in all, this ole sun, is quite hard work!