AFTER two years' convalescence, madcap funnyman Freddie Starr has risen from his sickbed to appear at the Woodville Halls, in Gravesend, and again the next night at the Fairfield Halls, in Croydon

Contrary to what you might read in the tabloids, the Liverpool-born comedian is neither feasting on hamsters four times a day nor has he retired to Spain surrounded by a haven of booze and beauties although he has lived in the Mediterranean country for the past 20 years.

Starr spoke to Leisure about his recent illness, the anger and disappointment of a documentary stitch up, Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and the beautiful princess Pocahontas.

The comedian stopped performing two years ago after he started to lose his voice.

He said: "I was talking like that girl in the Exorcist at shows and it wasn't fair on the audience so I had to get it sorted.

He thought it was cancer but, thankfully, a specialist diagnosed the problem as thyroid nodules (lumps in the throat), successfully operated, and gave the enigmatic entertainer the green light to perform again.

It wasn't the first time the entertainer had had problems with his voice. He didn't speak for two years at the age of six after suffering a traumatic childhood during which he was severely beaten by his abusive father.

Starr spent time in a home for two years convalescing following a particularly brutal attack by his one-time street fighter father which resulted in a cracked rib and a broken jaw

If a difficult childhood and the worry of a fatal illness wasn't enough, Starr believes he was a victim of a TV documentary hatchet job last year which claimed the entertainer was a sad, foul-mouthed, lonely man with no friends.

He said: "They were nice to my face. They were asking me to do things such as pretent to have sex with a plastic crocodile in the pool, which I did.

"I thought, why would they do that to me? But if they can stitch Michael Jackson up, what chance have I got?"

But his die-hard fans showed they still loved him when he appeared as a guest on the James Whale Radio Show. Freddie was overwhelmed when the switchboard became jammed with well-wishers.

But now the popular entertainer wants to put that aside and concentrate on what he does best performing.

Fans will be pleased to find the tour will involve his usual mix of observation gags, songs, Elvis but not the infamous hamster.

"You always get some idiot shouting hamster! You have to be careful about them, they're rapists, they go around in herds at night raping people."

The funnyman went off on another of his surreal flights of fantasy about playing in Gravesend.

"What a horrible name that is isn't it, Gravesend? (he then does some ghost noises and singing Michael Jackson's Thriller)."

He said: "That Indian bird, Pocahontas died there, didn't she? She was a smashing bird she was. And you know why she died don't you she came to Gravesend, it finishes everyone off .

"I'll probably be performing to a audience of zombies and John Fashanu will probably come on saying focus, focus'.

"What was all that about, him hitting 500-year-old trees?

"If I was on Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, I would just do it for the crack and to get thrown off. But I'd love to do it because I would pinch the toilet, escape to the hotel and bribe the chef. I would also pinch the birds' lipstick, dress up in a bikini, push my chest out and pout.

"But Ant and Dec couldn't get me to eat the bugs unless they went first. And the snakes would probably die if they bit me."

And be warned all this was during a short interview! This show should carry a Government health warning, you might die laughing!

- Woodville Halls Theatre, Woodville Place, Gravesend, June 10, 8pm, £16.50, 01474 337774.

- Fairfield Halls, Park Lane, Croydon, June 11, 8pm, £17.50 -£14.50, 020 8688 9291.