Forewarned is forearmed my friend, and had I received a bit of gentle advice before my trip to the new Five Guys burger restaurant in Magdalen Street, I would be a less traumatised individual.

Instead, you can now learn from my amateur approach like piranhas in a feeding tank, and perhaps emerge with a tad more dignity that my futile attempt to ‘get down with the kids’.

Because how hard can it be to stroll into a restaurant, order a burger, eat it and escape relatively unscathed?

Hard, as it turned out. Harder than a question on quantum physics in a University Challenge final.

For those of you who frequented Jaeger, you will know exactly where Five Guys is, on the corner of Friars Entry leading up to Gloucester Green.

Feted as the greatest thing since hamburgers were invented, the hype which preceded its delayed opening became almost frenzied, creating an impossible illusion to live up to.

Billed as a McDonalds type fast food joint serving incredibly high quality burgers, it seemed a straight forward premise. Just bear in mind that everyone else thinks so too, and as we arrived, we had to bat our way through the crowds, the place being absolutely packed, hungry diners queueing out the door.

The tables are of the smash-and-grab variety, there is no table service, so it’s very much a DIY approach. And when I say DIY, I really mean it.

Handed the paper menu, choose what you want, battle your way up to the counter in the distance, wait in line, shout your orders to the red uniformed chaps, all the while peering over your shoulder in case someone has nicked your seat, or your children.

Choose between a hamburger, (beef, bacon or cheeseburger) of varying sizes, the same for the ‘dogs’, plus sandwiches (veggie, cheese, grilled) and fries (Five Guys or Cajun style).

Simple, or so you would think. But when you have free additions of mayo, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup, mustard, relish, jalapeno peppers, grilled peppers, HP sauce, BBQ sauce and hot sauce to take into consideration, when ordering for a whole table it’s a lot to remember and recount, requiring much button pushing.

Handed paper cups we then had to push our way over to the Big Daddy of the drinks machine world, boasting 180 options.

Stranded like a paralysed bunny in front of an articulated lorry, I began frantically pushing the screen like a demented loon, enduring the tutting behind me. I had no idea what I wanted for a start; diet, low calorie, fruit?

A stiff gin would have been nice but that seemed the only beverage not on offer. In panic I pushed the diet cola screen, without taking my finger off the ice, meaning very little drink emerged, to the sound of more tutting and sighing. My country for a waiter!

I then needed to join the next queue to collect our food. Even McDonalds give it to you in person. But here you wait for your number to be called as if attending some kind of bingo session. Eventually, while losing the will to live, our order appeared, milkshakes and all, and without any trays, hard to handle.

My God these burgers had better be good.

My ‘dog’, ‘wasn’t my favourite’ as my daughter would put it. I like them softer and smokier, and few of the ‘extras’ seemed to suit so I stuck to the basics – onion, ketchup and mustard – which seemed a waste, and for what it’s worth, I don’t think American cheese suits a hotdog, making it all slimy. You then had to eat out of the silver foil wrapping, which I thought rather unhygienic. I left it.

The milkshakes were so sweet that even my teenagers wouldn’t touch them, but the burgers, which are, after all, the star of the show, were much better; succulent, generous and not too compact, the skin on chips are a nice touch too. But bearing in mind that a bacon cheeseburger is £8.95, a large chips £5 and a Five Guys shake £4.85, you are looking at nearly £20 per person.

It’s a young person’s game at Five Guys.

Five Guys

13-15 Magdalen St, Oxford OX1 3AE

0800 083 3005

Opening hours: Mon-Sat: 11am–11pm

Sunday 11am-10pm