When the truth won't be a blow/It's a women's world in the bedroom

People with ‘whistles’ seem to be everywhere at the moment; Edward Snowden took on the American Government and has since been ousted to Moscow.

But what does it take to blow the whistle on an organisation you care about, or on people you have deep investment in?

For instance, a best friend is doing something you woefully disapprove of. At what point does it become your business?

And do you risk ruining your friendship by speaking up about it? What about whistleblowing within a relationship, when the only person you can complain to, is the very person doing it wrong?

How can you whistleblow without getting fired?

I had an enlightening conversation recently with a close friend about the love of her life. He really is the love of her life – they openly adore one another, are rarely apart, and are always laughing.

In short, they’re sickeningly happy, and make the rest of us seem positively morose. However, his manner of eating left a little to be desired. She eventually raised the matter with him and lo and behold, he was eager to talk about it.

And now they’re even happier. Bully for them.

A few years ago, as I meandered through one unhappy relationship, leaving friends languishing outside in the cold, my best friend had the courage to call my behaviour ‘idiotic’. She was absolutely correct.

It hurt, but, close as we are, I knew she wouldn’t have raised the problem had it not been a huge issue, and had she not felt secure enough in our friendship to ‘get away with it’.

The boyfriend is long gone, but the best friend remains. Her whistleblowing on my poor behaviour, gave me courage to call time on a terrible situation.

I suppose the lesson may be that if you’re thinking of whistleblowing, first weigh up whether the problem is something you can live with – can you sleep at night, and not worry about it?

If you sleep easy, it may be worth leaving well alone. If not, then decide the most appropriate way to broach the topic, and lance it before it becomes a festering lump of horror.

It’s really important that we live in a world where people like Edward Snowden, and noble employees of the NHS can voice fears for inappropriate behaviour, or major problems they observe, and experience.

On a personal level, it’s equally important we reside in relationships where we feel safe enough to do likewise.

Writer and bestselling author Daniel Bergner has decided that women’s libido and sexual ‘turn ons’ are freer and easier than men’s.

Apparently, women can find a wide variety of things a turn on, whereas men are much more focused, and much more rigid in what they like. This could account for why, stereotypically, men are portrayed as lone oarsmen in bed, striding single-mindedly towards their promised land, while women need a little more variance, and a lot less…paddling.

Since it has become more socially acceptable to openly chat about sex in the pub (or is that just my local?) do men feel more pressure to be Sex Gods, or is it just enough for them to get through the experience?

“She really tells me what she wants wants,” lamented a male friend recently, describing his new girlfriend’s authorative vocalisations in bed. “I know it should turn me on but… it’s kinda intimidating.”

He went on to explain how he’d noticed women – particularly early twentysomethings – seem to be more... demanding. Apparently, we women are vocalising what we want, and we’re not afraid to vocalise loudly, and precisely.

“It’s kind of hot but I just expected it later on in proceedings – not on opening night”, my poor, lost male friend explained.

He was concerned that his girlfriend might find him somewhat ‘lacking’. Especially since her shopping list of pleasures was so extensive.

Well, we’re all guilty of asking for things we don’t necessarily need – and equally guilty of not asking for what we really want – so I pitied the poor chap his confusion.

But after asking other men about the subject, it does seem that finally, we women are coming out on top.

Another guy I asked indicated that in fact, he’s just happy to have someone who fancies him. That all these apparently essential ‘techniques’ just mask our need for love and companionship. Or in short, it’s enough to enjoy what you’re doing, and hope she’s enjoying it too.

Ultimately, men want sex. If they can feel that they perform very well, even better. But a few can feel surprisingly intimidated by a woman barking orders (at least if they haven’t decided boundaries or built up trust in a relationship beforehand).

As one male friend of mine so eloquently put it: “When I have sex, I’m making love to a person I really care for, not just to a body that turns me on. And that’s enough, hopefully for me and her.”

And certainly the male friends I know seem to agree wholeheartedly that just being relaxed and natural and completely at ease with a partner is the ultimate experience.

After all, consider these confessions...

Jack, 22, Summertown: “I feel pressure to perform – sure, who doesn’t? But it’s not because I feel I need to be some massive stud. It’s more about whether we’re both enjoying ourselves…a certain amount of ‘if she tells her mates about me, I want them to hear something good’, but on the whole it’s about having a good time”.

William, 34, city centre: “On your first time, you have the terror of not knowing whether you’ll be any good. But after that, you absolutely know you aren’t any good, so you may as well just enjoy it…”

Joe, 26, city centre: “I was in a relationship where sex had to be romantic every time. And you know? It worked.”